Why I Hate The Boston Red Sox (featuring Top Gun)

President Reagan once said, "I didn't leave the Democratic Party. The party left me." I once thought the Boston Red Sox, the real Boston Red Sox, left me. Now I'm not so sure who left who.

What I do know is I, your far-from-humble blogger, is once again right. And you all know how much I love to be right. More on that later.

I like my hat much better now.

Growing up the Sox were lovable losers and judging by the interest in fans there was an emphasis on "losers". You could always get a ticket at Fenway Park (my Hemophilia Clinic handed them out like candy) and other than a few convos with kids at school about how great Pedro Martinez was you couldn't get anyone to care about what happened in what is now called "Red Sox Nation".

Today? People who can't tell me who Ted WIlliams and Nomar Garciaparra were are pooping themselves because the 2011 Boston Red Sox have started the season 0-6.

My dismay began in 2003, when Boston defeated Oakland in the American League Division Series. I was at the University of Rhode Island at the time and the student body celebrated peacefully in the streets.

The next game was Game 1 of the American League Championship Series against "arch-rival" New York Yankees. Boston won that game, and what was celebration in the streets one night was a full blown riot the next. I guess that's what you get for accepting half of New Jersey to your institute of higher learning.

Joking about Jersey aside, my first thought was, "Do these jerks even root for the Red Sox? Or are they just looking for an excuse to violence?" The riot itself is a bit irrelevant, but it did create a few new fans who didn't give a hoot about Boston until the dumpster outside of Gorham Hall was lit on fire.

Then 2004 came and went. It was a great time for fans like my father who saw just about every epic fail the Boston Red Sox accumulated. But like every team that wins a championship, bandwagon mentality kicks in.

The following two seasons did not bring World Series trophies to Boston, but it did spawn the pink hat revolution and raked in numerous dollars when it suckered people into buying "Red Sox Nation" membership cards.

The 2007 season brought another World Series trophy back to Boston. While it was nice to see the Sox pound the overrated Colorado Rockies, nothing would ever compare to that 2004 trophy. This was also when "Red Sox Nation" turned into "Douchebag Nation".

The last three seasons can be summed up like this: Heartless bums with no chemistry more concerned with getting paid, a front office making one bad decision after the next, jerk fans who don't even understand the game, and an owner who turned a baseball club into a fad.

Allow me to elaborate on some of this stuff:

-The fans: I realize it's like this for a lot of teams, but it's obvious that the bandwagon is much larger here than in other regions. A lot of these so-called "fans", including some of my friends, wanted nothing to do with this team pre-2004. Now it's regular weekend trips to Fenway and paying $500 for bad seats to see the next drubbing the Yanks lay on the Sox. They have no clue what's going on, but they love them some Sox.

-Women: Granted, I can't get most women to do anything with me, even if I offered to pay them. Ten years ago that was double for watching Sox games. Now you go somewhere like an online dating site and it's all "I heart my Red Sox. No Yankee fans allowed!" Give me a break. Maybe Jane Pink Hat does love the Red Sox. This chick loves the Sox too. Intelligence turns me on. Lack of intelligence about something you claim to love doesn't.

"What man? I had to pee man!"

-Man-Ram: When Manny Ramirez shoved Jack McCormick it was wrong. But the people calling for Manny's head were the same people who had no clue what this man meant to the franchise. Despite his bizarre behavior, until that incident in 2008 none of it was mean-spirited. Was it time for Manny to go? Yes, but like everything else if you don't know all the facts you should keep your mouth shut.

-Jonathan Papelbon: Newsflash if you have no idea how to play baseball: The closer is supposed to go out and get three consecutive outs, not two outs, a hit, a hit, a walk, a hit, and a third out, pushing the game to a point where you either almost blow it or lose the game. Oh, and he's a jackass.

-Apologists: Thank God for 98.5 The Sports Hub. Because if it wasn't for them Rhode Island would be called "Red Sox Apologist Nation". Last year some clowns at WEEI predicted 100 wins for the Sox. They got to 89. This year the Providence Journal predicted 100 wins. There's a long way to go but right now that prediction looks pretty foolish, especially considering they have the same awful pitching staff as last year. Then of course there's the continued butt-kissing of manager Terry Francona, who, like GM Theo Epstein, isn't terrible, but more lucky than good. And how could I forget NESN's Tom Caron, who loves the Sox so much he has permanent stains on his knees.

-Advertisements: Yes, I understand this stuff pays for Carl Crawford's salary, but the amount of ads the Sox try to stick in are ridiculous. The ballpark looks like something out of Major League 2 and considering NESN is pimping Charlie Sheen's tour they've clearly shown they'll take money from the lowest of the low. It makes it obvious that ownership cares more about making money than appreciating the fans and, more importantly, winning.

Nice remodeling job.

-Ownership: Say what you will about George Steinbrenner, but the only thing that grumpy grump wanted out of his club was World Series trophies. John Henry? It's hard to say. He sold out the Green Monster, got Wally to do birthdays, and did such a great job marketing "Red Sox Nation" he got a bunch of morons to actually buy a membership kit to become "official" fans. I'm not saying the Yankees don't try the same things, but Steinbrenner made it clear it was World Series or bust. Henry? Well, did he sign Daisuke Matsuzaka because he thought it would help the ball club, or because it would reap huge profits in Japan?

-They've become everything true Sox fans hate about the Yankees: The most important thing I will write in this post is here: The best thing about the Red Sox is they weren't the Yankees. And when I say they weren't the Yankees I mean they didn't buy all the talent and weren't supported by bandwagon scumbags. We laughed at the Yankees when their $100 million payroll went down in flames and their pompous fans had to eat their words. Now all I see is Yankees North: Overpaid jerkoffs with a holier than thou fanbase. Hey Henry, who's the "Evil Empire" now?

Even the boys in marketing can't
tell the difference.

My complaints about the fans may be petty, but the truth is they're just as bad as most Yankee fans. Henry has geared this entire operation towards idiots, turning the Red Sox into a profitable trend (it's actually pretty smart). I don't have a problem with the man making money, just don't be surprised when/if the other shoe drops. And the comments about the Sox becoming the Yankees are undeniably true. Real Red Sox fans see the irony, the others are either hypocrites or aren't smart enough to understand what I'm referring to. Winning that title in 2004 was a great moment for sports but it's unfortunate we had to become what we hated to do it.

Did I leave the Red Sox or did they leave me? I don't know. I do know I laughed my butt off when Darnell McDonald blew the game today. Maybe this year will purge some of the bad elements out, as this guy predicted a while back.

Oh yeah, I'm right because I knew these guys would suck this year. So far so good. I should be a sports reporter...


Anyway, for those of you who don't like the Red Sox I have this epic scene from Top Gun:

Out.