Wrestlemania Week Day Five: Diva Dillema

Eve is the current Divas Champion, in case you care.

When people talk about the good old days of WWE, one thing I don't miss is how the women on the show were treated. Yes, the verbal beratement (is that a word?) Chris Jericho constantly laid into Stephanie McMahon was hilarious, but only because it was so over-the-top ridiculous. But some of it was insulting. The Ho Train. The Vince-Trish humiliation angle. Oh, and the fact that they all dress like tramps and as a whole were treated like crap.

First off, I thought I was a little harsh when I called the 10-women DIva match at last year's Wrestlemania a "Title IX match". That's not what I meant. I was trying to articulate the fact that the Divas were dragged out for a total of three and a half minutes in order to create a bathroom break between title matches. Basically the whole thing was a waste of time. Obviously if you know what Title IX is then that analogy make absolutely no sense. Moving on.

Now that everything's all PG and stuff, WWE has pulled out this Smart, Sexy, Powerful campaign. I'm sure there are plenty of young ladies out there who would enjoy watching the Divas do their thing. Quite frankly, the Divas can be good role models in a world of very few female ones. Well, maybe not all of them.

So what's the problem?

--No Chance in Hell: You know how the majority of the male midcarders (Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, Drew McIntyre, John Morrison, etc.) get a few months in the spotlight, then get sent to the basement? It's like that for all of the Divas.  I may be wrong, but over the past year the only Divas to have consistent air-time have been LayCool and Maryse. Everyone else stays in the cellar until its their turn to come out. You can't get people to like the Divas if you don't use them.

--Some of 'em just aren't that good: In a lot of cases the talent just isn't there. Eve. Kelly Kelly. The Bella Twins. Yes, they're drop-dead gorgeous, but they're  just not very good in-ring competitors. Send them to Tough Enough or something.

--AssCole: It does not help when you have this jerk mouthing off in the middle of a Divas match. If you want Cole to behave like this, do it while Mark Henry and The Great Khali, two wrestlers who have proven to be absolute failures in the realm of sports entertainment, are going at it.

Just because they broke the mold for this Diva doesn't
 mean they should scrap the whole division.

--Valets: What's so wrong with turning some of the Divas with subpar wrestling skills into manager/valets? Over the past few months it's worked out well for Maryse.

--Snooki: I can't imagine what the morale is in the Divas locker room when the only match at Wrestlemania involving the Divas has two spots filled by a retired wrestler and a disgusting Hobbit-looking primadonna with a drinking problem.

I honestly think the Divas division is salvageable. There are several good wrestlers in that group and those who can't cut it can be used elsewhere. Yes, I realize that Chyna,  Lita, and Trish aren't walking through that door (ok, Trish has, but you get the point). But as I will explain on Saturday, the torch has to be passed sometime and that's never gonna happen if you keep the ladies out of the spotlight.

Out.

Wrestlemania Week Day Four: Michael Cole Sucks

Jackass.

Let's not waste too much time here: Michael Cole is dreadful. There's a difference between being booed because you're a bad guy and being booed because you're awful.


Cole is the latter. He's annoying, his promos are dreadful, his voice is like nails on a chalkboard and the most important thing is he's detracting from the viewing experience. Bobby Heenan and Jerry "The King" Lawler were great heel announcers, but they weren't obnoxious about it. Cole's role in WWE has become ridiculous and quite frankly I can't see him returning to the announcer's table full time after Wrestlemania.


And in case being a terrible bad guy wasn't enough, watch this video, then let your fingers do the walking. Youtube's filled with "vintage" Michael Cole videos.

On a related note, for the people who are upset over Cole's use of the word "faggot", get over yourself. Yeah it was a stupid thing to say but considering he's not the first personality to insult the gay community it's pretty hypocritical to be calling for his head. And this idiotic comment from the Pro Gay Wrestling Federation doesn't help change people's perceptions of gays:

"How can ANYONE at the WWE say anything derogatory about gay people?? Look at what they do and have been doing for a living for years! Big muscles, small tights rolling around! I'm just saying, honey. People in glass houses shouldn't throw sconces!"

Moron. I wonder where the Gay Avenger was when Jerry Lawler ripped this ridiculously over-the-top promo years ago:

Anyway, I read a rumor that the "Cole Mine" was constructed to keep Cole and King apart indefinitely, so any hopes of Cole's departure from play-by-play announcing have more than likely been dashed.


Out.

Wrestlemania Week Day Three: Bring Out The Bad Guys... No Really, Bring Them Out

First, a quick note on last night's Raw.


Pretty much every rivalry got one last encounter before Wrestlemania this Sunday. However, apparently WWE didn't feel the need for its main event, John Cena and The Miz, to have a one-on-one confrontation. No, let's have The Rock beat up The Miz and Cena beat up The Rock and have next to no interaction between the two men in the WWE Championship match. Sometimes you have to wonder who writes this stuff.



Moving on, one thing I learned from comic books is the more evil the villain, the better the hero is. Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, you get the idea. That's all professional wrestling is: Good guys vs. bad guys. Granted, the lines have blurred a little bit, but it's still the same concept.

I don't know what to say here.

Let's go with the bad guys for a minute. Bad guys in pro wrestling, called "heels", often cheat to win, interfere in matches with the good guys (called "faces"), insult the crowd, or just beat their opponent senseless. Their bad guys, it's how they roll.



A couple of weeks ago when heel Sheamus, in the middle of a lengthy losing streak, defeated face Daniel Bryan for the United States Championship, it was a clean win. Meaning Sheamus beat him fair and square.



Huh?


No eye gouge? No ref knockdown? No hit to the head with the title belt? Sheamus is as dirty as they come and now that I mention it this isn't the first time he's won a clean match. Granted, Miz, CM Punk, and Wade Barrett's Jobber Squad get away with heel wins all the time, but Sheamus illustrates the point I'm about to make.


What's happened to the bad guys?


Flashback 12 years ago: Vince McMahon was the evil billionaire businessman. Kurt Angle was an Olympic Gold Medal-winning cheater. Even Edge and Christian brought a new level of vileness to wrestling. But the end-all be-all of villainy was Triple H. Triple H was a ruthless bastard who crushed everything in his path. In his heyday he brought down Stone Cold, The Rock, Mick Foley, Chris Jericho and just about every other face midcarder on the roster. In fact I think the only guy he didn't take down was The Undertaker, but that's only because he wasn't around for much of late 1999-early 2000 or both were on different shows.

Your WWE Champion.

Today? Miz is an extremely weak bad guy. Now that he's not in charge of Nexus Wade Barrett is going nowhere. Alberto Del Rio is a Mexican JBL (i.e. been there, done that). And Sheamus, who could actually become as brutal as Triple H used to be, is apparently caught in the middle of some backstage baloney. I'm not going to bother discussing Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre, and Dolph Ziggler as legit heels because all three will be buried before you know it if their not buried already. No dominant villain whatsoever.

Straightedge means I'm better than you... and collect Pokemon.

The only savior here (pardon the pun) is CM Punk. His Straightedge Society gimmick was one of the best gimmicks WWE came out with in a long time and beyond his wrestling talent he's just plain mean. He's proven he can wreak havoc on all of the faces in WWE and can truly be a real main event superstar. Hopefully the creative team can find a way to keep that fresh post-Wrestlemania.


Superman ain't nothing without Lex Luthor and Stone Cold ain't nothing without Mr. McMahon. Getting real heels in the ring makes the faces better, makes the storylines better, and makes the whole product better.


Out.

Wrestlemania Week Day Two: Whatever Happened to the Intercontinental Championship?

The once great WWE Intercontinental Championship

On the last episode of Smackdown, Wade Barrett defeated Kofi Kingston to win the WWE Intercontinental Championship.
My first reaction was "who cares". Winning the IC title doesn't mean squat anymore.


This is allegedly one of the most prestigious titles in sports entertainment history and 10 years ago you could make that argument. The wrestlers who fought for that title (Chris Jericho, Chyna, Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Rob Van Dam, Eddie Guerrero) engaged in great feuds and years before that it was a stepping stone for the next generation of heavyweight champions, the likes of Bret Hart, Diesel, Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold, The Rock and Triple H. It's worth noting other great IC Champions like Razor Ramon, Ricky Steamboat, Macho Man, The Ultimate Warrior and Mr. Perfect.


Nowadays? Sometimes the title goes undefended (house shows excluded) for months. Other than a seven-minute reign designed to boost Edge's resume, the last four IC Champions have gone nowhere in terms of main event status and Barrett is in danger of making it five. In terms of Wrestlemania, other than a 20-second romp between Rey Mysterio and JBL, you have to go all the way back to 2002 to see the IC title defend at the company's top show. Given Barrett's current storyline I doubt that trend will change this year.


So what happened?:


--WWE doesn't care about second-tier titles: You think the way the IC title being treated is bad? Look at the tag team division. What a disgrace. Anyway, when you have two world heavyweight champions (no, this is not boxing) I imagine it's hard to make the second tier titles matter. Speaking of which...

Not every IC champ has gone
on to greatness.

--United States Championship: One of the last reminders of WCW has apparently overtaken the Intercontinental title as the top second tier title, which makes it the skinniest kid at fat camp. The Miz was U.S. Champ for the majority of 2010 and since he was also a Tag Team champion and Mr. Money in the Bank, the belt was rarely defended. But the Miz isn't the point. It's pretty obvious that Smackdown is treated as a second-rate show and if the U.S. title is on Raw and the IC title is on Smackdown, well, you get the picture.

--Money in the Bank: Remember when I said the Intercontinental Championship used to be a stepping stone for future main eventers? Well, that has been replaced by a briefcase that grants the holder a heavyweight title shot whenever they want. Edge shocked everybody when he cashed his briefcase in. Rob Van Dam set up his title shot in what is possibly the best non-Wrestlemania Pay-Per-View ever. Then Edge did the exact same thing he did last time. Then CM Punk did the exact same thing. Twice. Then Jack Swagger did the exact same thing (you can see it all here. Then WWE decided one Mr. MITB wasn't enough, so they created a new PPV where Kane and The Miz won their respective show's briefcases and did the exact same thing nearly every other MITB winner has done. I showed you those yesterday.

Being a longtime wrestling fan it's hard to see a title that generated so many great matches and so many great rivalries fall by the wayside. When WWE deactivated the title a few years ago it should have stayed that way. Because the way it's being treated now is just pathetic.

Out.

Wrestlemania Week Day One: Reflections on XXVI and the year that was

Hopefully Wrestlemania is better than this stupid looking video game.

Next Sunday is Wrestlemania! That may not mean much to you, but as a wrestling fan it's like Super Bowl week, but cooler. To celebrate, (and since I'm in search of another hobby) The Flan's blog will (hopefully) write a wrestling blog each day this week, culminating with next Sunday's extravaganza.

One of the best things about wrestling is getting together with a bunch of die-hard fans and enjoying the show together and counting next Sunday, I have watched four of the last five Wrestlemania's in a group atmosphere. But there is a tradeoff: You're only paying attention half the time. With that in mind I decided to watch Wrestlemania XXVI yesterday. Not the best Wrestlemania, but the main event matches and most of the midcard were decent. A few thoughts:


--Unified Tag Team Match: Wikipedia states that this match was only three minutes and 24 seconds. I thought it was a little longer than that, like five minutes and 14 seconds. Point is you have a future hall of famer, the current WWE champion, an up-and-comer with main event talent and R-Truth (three out of four ain't bad) and you give them less than five minutes at the biggest show of the year. I'll save the disgrace that is called the Tag Team division for another day.


--Orton vs. DiBIase vs. Rhodes: When you're with a group, you don't pay attention to the announcers and you certainly don't pay attention to the crowd reaction. It was amazing how much the crowd did not care about DiBiase and Rhodes, almost like they weren't there. A year later nothing's changed. Rhodes is starting to get a little bit of a pop with his "dashing" gimmick and DiBiase has fallen into obscurity.

It took this guy longer to unlatch then hook then it did to climb the ladder unchallenged.

--Money in the Bank Ladder Match: First off, I'm glad this match has been scrapped from Wrestlemania, but more on that later this week. Despite what I think about the MITB concept, it still creates an exciting match with great moments, except this one. Anyway, during the commentary Matt Striker said "who will lead the WWE into the 21st Century?!" First, I thought Stone Cold, The Rock and DX already took care of that. Secondly, let's look at where the 10 participants of that match are now.

• Shelton Benjamin-Out of WWE, currently at ROH.

• MVP-Out of WWE, don't really care where he ended up.

• Drew McIntyre-No Wrestlemania XXVII match, currently a glorified jobber.

• Matt Hardy-Out of WWE, helping his brother run TNA into the ground.

• Christian-No Wrestlemania XXVII match, currently involved in Edge-Del Rio feud.

• Kane-No Wrestlemania XXVII match, most likely will take on The Corre with Kofi and Big Show.

• Kofi Kingston-No Wrestlemania XXVII match, see Kane.

• Jack Swagger-No Wrestlemania XXVII match, but is "training" Michael Cole for his match against Jerry "The King"  Lawler.

• Dolph Ziggler-Will face "Snooki" at Wrestlemania XXVII. Yes, I said "Snooki".

• Evan Bourne-No Wrestlemania XXVII match, also currently a glorified jobber.

So out of the 10 participants in last year's MITB match, only one is currently scheduled to comepte in a match at Wrestlemania, if you even want to call it that. Anyway, Swagger won this match, and thanks to the beauty of DVD and selective editing, clinched the briefcase in a matter of seconds.

--Triple H vs. Sheamus: In my opinion the best match of the night. Triple H is Triple H and Sheamus brought his A-game. Great match.

--Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk: Speaking of editing, if you watch the DVD you won't see this, After that the match went smoothly. Mysterio always brings excitement and Punk is the future, again, more on that later this week.

He may be old, but he does know how to
accurately draw Ric Flair.

--Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon: Sad. Just sad. The Hitman was a childhood hero of mine and to see him hobble around like that broke my heart (no pun intended). Storyline-wise it was stupidity for Vince to hire the Hart family to "screw" Bret. It made absolutely no sense. Bret beat up Vince for 10 minutes and other than ending a real feud that began 13 years ago it was a waste of time.

--Chris Jericho vs. Edge: Another good match. Jericho hit Edge in the face with the World Heavyweight Championship for the win, which is what the heels are supposed to do. I'd hate to sound like a broken record, but more on that later this week.

--10-Diva Tag Match: I can barely get people to care about these other matches, I'm not gonna waste time talking about this Title IX "match".

--Batista vs. John Cena: Considering this was for the WWE Championship, it should have been better than it was. There was a moment there where we all thought Cena got hurt pretty bad (what I'm speaking of starts around 4:10) but I guess he pulled through it. He then celebrated with a few haters, showing what a good sport he is.

--Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels: The Gunslinger should have taken some advice from HBK on longevity because, in my opinion, Shawn Michaels' in-ring ability got better with age. The Undertaker has been great for 20-plus years, but started to show some wear in this match. A good match, but nowhere near as epic as their match at Wrestlemania XXV. 'Taker won and HBK retired. Considering this man had a hand in kicking my favorite wrestler out 13 years ago I didn't shed too many tears, but Shawn Michaels is one of the few icons that transcend the industry.

And that's that. Since then it's been quite a year: Jack Swagger became the worst champion in recent memory (but did get a sandwich named after him); Bret makes himself look worse than he already has; Wade Barrett, Daniel Bryan and a bunch of jobbers made all the kids in the arena cry; Kane got some long-deserved respect; someone in the writing room thought this guy was sufficient enough to be champion; The guy in the middle of this pic got a huge push in a short amount of time; Michael Cole became an utter disgrace; John Morrison and Sheamus had an incredible ladder match; This, which needs no introduction:

Check back the rest of the week for more Wrestlemania Week blogs.

Out.

Dead Celebrities and their Depiction in the Media (featuring dead celebrities and their depiction in the media)

Elizabeth Taylor

So naturally the one thing I wanted to do on vacation I can't, so now it's blog time.


Today's passing of Elizabeth Taylor brings to light a pet peeve of mine: Celebrity worship, particularly on the alleged evening news broadcasts at the three major networks.


I'd like to clarify that my issue stems from networks that claim to be legit news outlets wasting time on covering celebrities. If you're a show that supposed to cover celebrities, a Web Site that has unlimited space for stories, or you have a lengthy news show then that's different.


I'd hate to break it to everyone, but celebrity deaths aren't a big deal and really are not that important, especially when you only have 22 minutes to cover the top stories of the day. My father, a retired colonel in the National Guard, Vietnam Vet, and an overall honorable man, will die some day and not get a word on NBC Nightly News. Charlie Sheen, douchebag extraordinaire, will also die one day, but he'll get a five minute segment highlighting how funny his drug addict behavior was.


Sidenote: to all you people laughing at Sheen, I'd love to see how hard you laugh when its your loved one struggling with an addiction and making an ass out of himself on national tv.

Pretty much.

Now we come back to Liz Taylor. In some circumstances there are some celebrities who transcend their craft (film, music, sports, etc.) and become pop culture icons, a phrase in my opinion that gets tossed around way too much. In my opinion Taylor fits that bill, so when the networks go apesh*t tonight with their coverage its justified. Most of these celebrities don't deserve anything more than a 10 second "we're sorry you're dead" comment.


"Flan, who are you to decide which celebrity the nightly news decides to worship?"


Nobody. This is my opinion. It's the networks that think we want to watch this crap, that's why they spend more time covering Tiger's infidelity and Prince William/Kate Middleton's wedding (and because their covering for a certain someone). And that's on us I guess.


Anyway, like I said, some celebrities deserve tribute and some don't. Here are a few examples of both:

• Michael Jackson. No brainer here. The man changed the face of music, regardless of what you think of his extracurricular activities. Personally I thought the coverage was way over the top, but the King of Pop is an icon among icons.

• Gary Coleman. Are you kidding? This guy's life was a sideshow act. At the time of his death oil was flowing into the Gulf of Mexico untamed and a U.S. Senate candidate said he was offered a bribe by the Obama Administration in exchange for dropping out of a race. I was in D.C. at the time but when I got back home the news was still covering this loser.

Heath Ledger

• Heath Ledger. Sorry pal, love The Dark Knight, but being the hearthrob of every girl under the age of 18 (and a few over 18), playing a gay cowboy, and O.D.-ing because you got too involved in a role doesn't make you newsworthy.

• Ted Kennedy. Ugh. Why this guy, actually his whole family, is so glamorized is beyond me. But he was a U.S. Senator for almost 50 years. That's got to count for something.

Yeah, she's hot.

• Farrah Fawcett. Sex symbols count as icons. And when I say sex symbols I mean real sex symbols, not the fantasies of second-rate bloggers like myself.

I could go on and on. The point is there are some celebrities that leave a lasting legacy that we should pay homage to but most of them don't deserve more than a 20-second obituary notice on the backburner of a news broadcast, if that.

Another sidenote: So I'm reading the ABC News story on Taylor's death. I get to the section about her charity work, particularly the AIDS portion, and I read this:

"..."

Oh, would you look at that! It's not there anymore! That's journalism for ya.

Allow me to reprint the quote from another source:

 “I don’t think President Bush is doing anything at all about AIDS,” she told the crowd at the Eighth International AIDS Conference. “In fact, I’m not even sure if he knows how to spell ‘AIDS.’”

Now when I first saw that my first thought was, "Christ, these people can't even get through an obit without bashing Bush." A few problems with that:

• I was thinking of the wrong Bush. The quote is from 1991 and refers to 41, not 43.

• The writer, Sheila Marikar, failed to mention which Bush Taylor was referring to.

• The writer, Sheila Marikar, probably thought Taylor was referring to W. I'd expect nothing less from a Huffington Post contributor.

Memo to ABC: Try proofreading a story before you publish it. It helps.

Out.

Sunday Funday (featuring waitresses hitting on customers, Biff Tannen, House and more)

All right, someone asked me to get controversial. OK, let's get controversial.

So the steel project mentioned in last week's Sunday Funday post gets done early (and hopefully successfully). So I dial up my friend and see if he wants to hang out on St. Patrick's Day. He's been wanting me to meet his girlfriend, which didn't happen, so it ended up being the two of us, a couple of pitchers, and the waitress.

Now, I don't know if I give off some sort of vibe but traditionally when I dine out at a restaurant I am saddled with either a male server or (what I perceive to be) an unattractive female server like I have "pathetic loser who hits on women on a regular basis" written on my forehead. For the record I have never hit on a waitress I didn't already know. It's stupid, just my opinion.

But what happens when it's the other way around? This (I should say attractive) waitress was clearly flirting with me and my boy, which is fine (and it's fine for them because if it helps them get through the workday then that's cool) because we're all having a laugh and getting along. Then she drops the bomb: "I'm stuck here until midnight because I'm 20 years old and this here is a picture of my three-year-old daughter." Personally, I usually wait an hour before dropping stuff like that, but that's just me. Anyway, she then explains to us how expensive private school is and eventually takes our dinner order. I talked about things being written on your forehead, my friend and I must have had "yeah, we're judging your life choices," on ours because she didn't say boo to us the rest of the evening.

Look, I am in no position to judge other people's lifestyles, but in this case that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I don't feel as strongly as this guy, but I am a fan of the two-parent system and more importantly I'm a fan of good life choices. When you're a young single mother, with children, you've clearly shown bad decision making. In short, you f***** up. And sitting down in the booth with me acting like you're desperate to find a baby daddy isn't going to help matters.

I guess I was just floored. You expect a little extra niceness from people who rely on tips for a living but not that. When I'm in my 30's I might feel differently about young single mothers ... wait, no I won't. In the words of Dr. House:

Flan on Films: Since Week 10 wasn't as difficult as anticipated, I had the opportunity to watch multiple films this week. Spoiler alerts are always in effect:

• WWE: 50 Greatest Wrestlers of All Time -- After finding out that this list was based on the opinion of the current WWE roster I have one thing to say: What a crock of s***. Rey Mysterio is one of the ten best wrestlers ever? Maybe in Mexico. The Eddie Guerrero butt-kissing tour continues and considering he's dead it's unlikely to end anytime soon. The worst part? Hulk Hogan at No. 23. I'm not the biggest Hogan fan but some of the names in front of him are a joke. He must've pissed off many a superstar.

• Life as We Know It -- Yeah, I enjoy a romantic comedy every now and then. So what? This one was a textbook rom com, but I thought it was funny. It's all about the chemistry, and Heigl and Duhamel had it.

• It's Kind of a Funny Story -- An interesting movie about a teenager who checks himself into a rehab facility after contemplating suicide. I don't particularly care for Zach Galifianakis but I thought he was good in this one.

• The True Story of Wrestlemania -- Other than a few tidbits I didn't know about (the security risks at Wrestlemania VII) and some interesting perspective (Triple H and Chris Jericho's thoughts on Wrestlemania X8) I wasn't impressed.

• Breaking the Code: Behind the Walls of Chris Jericho -- A great film about one of my favorite wrestlers. Covers just about his entire career. For more, see the Muhammad Hassan Wrestling Video of the Week.

• Red -- I thought the pace could have been quicker but overall a great movie with a great cast. I don't think I've ever seen a film with John Malkovich in it but now I wonder how he would have played The Joker. Scratch that, I did watch this piece of crap a while back.

• The Social Network -- Telling a good story is the best way to hook people and that's exactly what this movie does. A well made movie in all areas. I can't speak to how accurate the story is but it did keep my interest. One thing I did take from it is Andrew Garfield is gonna suck as Spider-Man.

Gabrielle Giffords' Moment of Civility Award: It was a tame week for the far left but if your looking for a-hole behavior you can always count on Bill Maher. Video includes a word even I won't use, so viewer warning and all that hooplah.

Muhammad Hassan Wrestling Video of the Week: Continuing on Jericho, this promo/match comes to mind as one of my favorite moments ever, only to have it taken away a mere ten minutes later.

Last word: I heard the phrase "butthead" come out of the mouth of someone not named Biff Tannen for the first time since 1995. Yes, it was directed towards me ... Apparently the Bible is now considered a reliable source when arguing against gay marriage. Glad I chose to write about school uniforms ... That's two times in a row I've gone into a restaurant, ordered a drink and not asked for my ID. I must look 27 ... Speaking of which thanks to everyone who sent their well wishes on my birthday. It means a lot when your day is filled with steel design and you get Norton Virus Protection for a birthday present ... Memo to WGN: If you want  to interview the nuclear energy expert you can at least ask him to clear his desk of any and all swastikas. Just sayin' ... Let's end with some music. A favorite of mine and from Mallrats:

Out.

Bonus Birthday Blog (featuring more URI, Bishop Hendricken, Oberon 318, Transformers and more)

Today is my 27th birthday. Needless to say I haven't been dealt the best hand in recent years (those of you who know the situation don't need it rehashed, those who don't know the situation don't need to hear it) but I've also been taken down roads I never thought I'd go down. You also learn a lot about yourself and the people around you, so I guess this has all been a mixed bag.

This made me think about a radio spot I heard a while back from my high school, Bishop Hendricken. In the spot, Hendricken said in a few years (I forgot how many, probably like 10-15 years) a "Hendricken Man" will have the following:

-A successful career.

-A marriage to a beautiful woman.

-A stronger relationship with God.

I graduated in 2002. Let's review shall we?:

-No job. And before that I wouldn't have called career choices "successful".

-Most beautiful women want nothing to do with me, even before I became jobless and living at home in my late 20's.

-Hendricken's philosophy of shoving Catholicism down the student body's throat is part of the reason why I don't go to church anymore.

Insert your own pedophile jokes here.

Look at the bright side, future Hendricken alumni. You may think the current Vice Principal for Student life is a douche, but at least he's not a registered sex offender.

All right, all right, onto the fun stuff:

Dad, Nick Cannon is hilarious: I was gonna do The Three Flans, inspired by Dave Chappelle, but I figure I'll wait until I'm 30.

I really wasn't. But it's still funny.

URI, it rhymes with CBI: So much for the NIT being a Rhode Island tradition. The Rams have accepted a bid to play in the College Basketball Invitational, because one tournament full of teams that didn't make the real tournament wasn't enough.

This situation is laughable at best, but for some of the seniors on the team this is their last chance to play ball, so you really can't blame Baron for taking it. Best of luck Rhody, best of luck.

Lame.

Bangin' it: I really don't want to bring up wrestling in every goddamn post (actually I do) but last night's reappearance of Grand Master Sexay cannot go unnoticed.

All right WWE, who else you got backstage that performed 10 years ago? Albert? X-Pac? How about Essa Rios? Maybe since Michael Cole has carte blanche to make an ass out of himself he can interview Miss Kitty for Friday night.

I believe that only by being 27 do I now have the insight to see how lame Too Cool was.

'Til All Are One: There are many mixed feelings about all the Transformers movies, including the 1986 animated film, where kids were sent home crying because the producers thought it was a good idea to kill off their childhood hero.

But, I hope one thing we can all agree on is the films have great music.

From Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

From Transformers

And the best for last, from Transformers: The Movie. Just click on the "Watch on YouTube" thing.

Out.