That Ain't Superman

Man of Steel my ass.

I try my best to keep this blog clean. In this instance I'm not even gonna bother. Hide the kids.


With that said, who the f*** is that guy in the cape and the big "S"?


It sure as hell ain't Superman. This is Superman. This is Superman. This is Superman. That guy up there looks like this asshole:

While I'm well aware that promo image appeared about two weeks ago, on top of my own work I had to digest this information. With this picture, Zack Snyder as director, Christopher Nolan as producer, and fans dying to see a brawler Supes, it's looks like Superman is on track for another epic fail. Here's why:

The Picture: In case I wasn't clear I'll be more specific. Dark colors do not suit Superman. Superman is a symbol of hope, inspiration and morality, among other things and traditionally he's always worn bright colors. That guy looks downright evil (hence the Superman III reference). If my cat was in a tree and that guy went to get it I'd run like hell.

Snyder: Dawn of the Dead was meh. 300 was okay. Watchmen was great. The "sucker" in Sucker Punch was anyone stupid enough to pay money to see it (your less-than-humble host included). Here's a quick rundown of the type of characters you see in Snyder's movies:

-Dawn of the Dead: You've seen one zombie movie you've seen them all.

-A bunch of psycho Greeks led by an idiot king who thought getting slaughtered by an inferior army was a better idea than regrouping, leading his people to victory, having sex with his wife, raising their son to be the next idiot king and just plain living.

-The most f***** up group of superheroes you'll ever see.

-Sucker Punch: A chick who gets screwed by her stepfather and decides to be lobotomized for the hell of it. But not before she helps her crazy friends escape. Or something like that. Did I mention that Sucker Punch was awful?

Bottom line? Snyder is an average director at best and his resume does not indicate he can handle a true representation of Superman.

Nolan: For those of you who think producers don't play a big role in movie productions here's a reality check: They do. More on that in a minute.

Over the past twelve years or so Marvel has pumped out one successful comic book film after another and has represented every major property on the silver screen, culminating with The Avengers next May. In fact since Marvel's done a complete 360 its starting over again next July.

In that same timespan DC/Warner Brothers has had one, ONE, successful franchise. That was Batman. It was directed by Nolan. Now Warner Brothers has made Nolan some sort of "godfather" on this Superman film because apparently they think Nolan has the magic touch.

There's one problem with that. Here's a rundown of the type of characters Nolan deals with:

-A corrupt cop with insomnia

-A guy who stalks people for no reason

-A guy who can't remember what happened five minutes ago

-An emotionally scarred billionaire who dresses up like a bat

-A guy who drove his wife insane so they could escape a dream

-Two magicians trying to kill each other

See a pattern? Same issue as Snyder, this isn't the type of character Nolan works with. There's nothing physically or mentally screwed up with Superman. But I assume that's going to change.


Brawler: When you're invincible, have super strength, heat vision, freeze breath and see through walls, there's really no need for you to hone your fighting skills. You just have to throw a few punches and throw s*** at the other guy. It is what it is and that's why no one's ever really seen an all out brawl featuring Superman on the big screen. It's just gonna be mindless destruction where Supes goes through and couple walls and Zod gets hit with a car, repeat, repeat, repeat. Then all the fanboys who were complaining that Superman needs to fight more will be complaining that the fight was stupid.


I shouldn't criticize one picture, but that one picture tells quite a story. The creative team issues speak for themselves. Throw in DC/WB's inability to put together multiple successful comic book franchises and this is a disaster waiting to happen.

Completely Unoriginal Christopher Nolan Movie List

Inspired by a list I saw ranking Michael Bay's movies (I can't find it, but The Rock was justifiably No. 1), I decided to watch all seven of Christopher Nolan's major films. You probably won't be surprised by the outcome, so just read the damn thing and enjoy it anyway:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
the movie still sucks.

7. Inception. This film sucks. For all the criticism directors like Bay get for promoting effects over story Nolan, in the context of this film, deserves just as much. On top of that, there's nothing original about it. Inception is just a caper film and to spice it up they put the heist within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream...heck, I lost track of how many "layers" these people went through.


The saddest part is the great cast. Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, pretty much every person in the film is a great actor. What a waste.


This reviewer said it best:

But I truly have no idea what so many people are raving about. It’s as if someone went into their heads while they were sleeping and planted the idea that Inception is a visionary masterpiece and—hold on … Whoa! I think I get it. The movie is a metaphor for the power of delusional hype—a metaphor for itself.

Speaking of hype, I have absolutely no doubt that the majority of the hype for this film was a reward for DiCaprio's continued propagandising of global warming. Liberals take care of their friends as long as they stay in line and don't say anything that goes against their idiotic view of the world.

How Following should have ended.

By the way, Gisele, you traded up.


6. Following. You've probably never heard of this film. It's Nolan's first attempt at telling a story out of order but more importantly it got him on the map. This isn't an awful film, though there was nothing that really grabbed my interest. It does show that you don't need a lot of money to be creative.


5. Insomnia. You go to one town where the sun never sets, you go to another one where it never rises and gets messed up by vampires, it must suck to live in Alaska. Oh yeah, Insomnia. With the exception of You Don't Know Jack, this might have been the last film before Al Pacino lost his mojo. Still, it's an interesting movie and Pacino carried the cast, although Robin Williams was pretty good in a role that's quite a departure from his normal stuff. Again, great storytelling from Nolan and co.


Speaking of inception, I'm pretty sure I slept about 10 hours total the week after I watched it. Or is that coincidence?

I tell people all the time they'll never forget something if they write it on their hand. It works for this guy...

4. Memento. Warning: Watching this film may make your head explode. If your head does explode it'll be worth it. Memento, which is essentially Following perfected, gets told forward, backward and every way in between. If you can keep up with it then without a doubt you'll be wowed. If not, then you should take a film class. Or, it's possible you're just like Leonard Shelby which means you're screwed and you have bigger problems.


3. The Prestige. You know you're watching a great film when you put it in at 12:30 in the morning and you're riveted. Has a bit of that Memento feel to it though not as drastic. I'm still not sure which magician was a bigger jerk, but I can tell you I was dying to see which crazy prank they'd come up with next. Oh, and they have wonderful taste in women.


2. and 1. The Nolan Batman films. It says "unoriginal" in the title. What'd you think I was gonna say? Here's a kicker: The first time I saw Batman Begins I was less than thrilled about it.


You already know The Dark Knight is Nolan's best film by a large margin. At least until July 20:

Out.

"Three Columns for the Price of One!"

Since the guy who uses that phrase rips people off all the time, I don't mind doing it to him. Moving on:


Leave you childhood memories in your childhood: Netflix is awesome. You can find everything short of Second Sight, Madhouse, and porn on there. This was made evident by the appearance of  Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, the show almost every kid in America loved.

Lord Zedd: Looks like the baddest
man on the planet. But he isn't.

Eleven-year-old Flan loved it. Twenty-seven-year-old Flan? Meh. Lord Zedd wasn't as badass as I recalled, I didn't really need to hear the PSA's about how hard work and perseverance pay off and how trees produce oxygen, and it's sickening how all six of those Power Brats won every competition they were in.


The biggest thing? Jason the Red Ranger just bends over and let's Tommy the White Ranger take over leadership of the Power Rangers. I can picture the conversation:


Billy: "Zordon what about Jason?"


Zordon: "Jason has been a fine leader. But for some reason all the children love Tommy and the amount of power it takes to keep my giant head floating in this tube isn't cheap."


Jason: "It's ok guys. Even though I'm a proven leader, saved you more times than I can count, kicked Tommy's ass when he was the Green Ranger, and am a better fighter than all of you combined, we're a team. I believe in you Tommy, even if you are a whiny b**** who can't get to second base with Kimberly."


Trini: "Yeah, we're a team!"


Zack: "And no one member is better than the other!"


Kimberly: "Totally!"


Tommy: "Thanks guys. I'll try not to let my low self-esteem, sexual frustration, multiple missed roundhouse kicks and annoying 'seet-hyuaw' grunts get in the way of leading the team."


Alpha: "Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!"


On the plus side, Amy Jo Johnson? Waaaaaaaay hotter then I remember.


MMPR wasn't the only show I watched from the good 'ol days. Marvel/Disney dropped the majority of its animated series' on Netflix, among them X-Men and Spider-Man, which are exactly like I remembered: X-Men was great for two and a half seasons before taking a nosedive and Spider-Man told great stories but featured some of the lousiest (and laziest) animation you'll ever see.


Lastly, I watched one episode of the original He-Man and The Masters of the Universe cartoon. Awful. I've moved on to Star Trek: The Next Generation, which is good stuff.


PS3 RIP: A few months ago I made a "deal" with myself where I wouldn't play any video games until my degree was finished. An unhealthy obsession with winning PS3 trophies led to this.


This decision was recently made easier. A couple of weeks ago my Playstation 3 got the Yellow Light of Death with my Watchmen Blu-Ray stuck in it. Got the disc out but when the customer service rep told me it would cost $130 plus shipping and taxes so I told him to screw and said I would get a Samsung (which he agreed with, way to promote the brand buddy) and that's that. So I'm borrowing my parents BD player which they don't use until I graduate or I hit the lottery.


Summer of superhero movies: So I recently watched my fifth (and final?) movie of the summer. I will rank them from worst to first:


5. Captain America: The First Avenger- Good story with good acting from Haley Atwell and Tommy Lee Jones. But something was off with Chris Evans and Hugo Weaving, the beginning should have been the ending and the ending should have been cut altogether, and apparently someone at Marvel thought it was too much to have Nick Fury actually command the Howling Commandos. Not awful, but not great either.


4. X-Men: First Class- Didn't think they could pull off an X-Men film without Wolverine in a major role, but I was pleasantly surprised. The Xavier-Magneto relationship made the movie. It dragged every now and then and I couldn't have cared less about most of the mutants in the film but overall good stuff.


3. Transformers: Dark of the Moon- While this trilogy deserved some of the bashing it's received, particularly regarding the accuracy of the various Transformers personalities, one has to remember two things:


-These are three films about giant robots dragging Earth into a civil war.


-These are Michael Bay films. In both instances your brain is not required.


As far as DOTM goes, it still amazes me that Bay hires a Victoria Secret model for the female lead and people are surprised she can't act. That, and the ending bothered me a bit. The real Megatron wouldn't take s*** from anybody and the real Optimus Prime isn't that big of a p**** that he needs the help of his arch-nemesis to defeat someone.


2. Green Lantern- Almost exactly as I pictured it: A little slow, a lot of aliens, and Mark Strong as Sinestro=fantastic. What I didn't expect was how good Ryan Reynolds would do as Hal Jordan. Great film that was true to the characters. Unfortunately the box office sales have been below average so that might derail any chance of a sequel.


1. Thor: In terms of superhero films, Thor is right behind the Iron Man and the Nolan Batman films. Action, acting, story, faithfulness to source material, it's all there. Everything was great, I have nothing bad to say about this film.


That's it. Out.